Jack Brody

Jack doesn't get up when I get up in the morning anymore.  He doesn't get up when Ethan gets up either.  I don't know what is worse that he doesn't bark when the doorbell rings or when I say "lets go for a walk" he just looks at me instead of running to the door.  I gave him his favorite treat ever the other day, denta-bones from Costco, and he just let it drop on the floor.  I put the bone in the dog kennel with him and it was still there, uneaten, when I got home.  He looks like the Jack I know and love -- but he is not himself anymore. 

This cannot be Jack Brody whom I brought home ten years ago from the dog pound.  I think he is an imposter.  Jack goes nuts when someone knocks at the door or rings the bell.  You can't even say the word "walk" because he will jump up and run to the door.  The real Jack once broke into the pantry and ate a whole bag of his favorite bones before he got busted.  Yeah, that Jack, he loved to come alive at ten pm when we went to bed -- he was always ready to go for a walk and play ...at bedtime.  He loved to "woof-woof-whoooo" us when he was feeling playful.  I have the funniest video of Jack barking our the front window and Ethan was right by him barking too.  This Jack, this one who looks older and tired, doesn't enjoy those things.

I am not sick like Jack is now, but I don't feel like doing the things I love any more either.  There is a black cloud hovering over me and I wonder as I cuddled him in the kennel -- if I have caused whatever is happening to him because I didn't see the signs the valley fever was back.  Would he be his old vibrant self if I had him checked three months ago?  Did I steal years from his life?  There were so many little signs right before he got worse: slipping on the floor more than normal, dog food all over the kitchen (it was falling out of his mouth), extra drool, and more lethargic.  I wrote them off as old age or just thought "that's odd."  It is not odd now -- it is more the norm these last couple of weeks.

My husband doesn't understand this love I feel for Jack -- he thinks its odd. But for me its normal to love a dog like a family member.  Right now I feel like someone I love very much is dying before my very eyes -- he happens to be a dog.  Just a few weeks ago Jack was bounding around, wanting to go for walks and gobbling up his bones.  How did this happen?  I had once heard, somewhere, you can tell when someone is dying because all the family and friends come to visit.  For me, it is Jack not doing the things he loved. 

I hope he gives me a sign when he is ready to die.  I don't want him to die.  I am not ready for him to die.  It seems too soon.  I don't want to be the one who has to kill him.  What will I do when he is gone?  

He is the best dog I have ever known.